Fifty Shades of Rage

So I thought I'd express my opinion on this book in a method more articulate than the BLIND RAGE I've employed thus far.

Here are your TV Tropes and goodreads pages - incidentally, the average rating on goodreads is cause for deep, deep concern. I TRUSTED YOU PEOPLE.

On the off-chance you're unaware, Fifty Shades of Grey was a Twilight fanfic, in which the author swapped the main characters' names and replaced vampires with sex. Then she got a book deal.

And the thing is, I don't dislike this book (or really, the concept behind this book) with that kind of 'oh, haha, yeah isn't it terrible!' attitude. I hate it with the kind of passion I typically reserve for misogynists, the Daily Mail and the word 'spiritual'.

But right, I'm always telling people off for judging a book without giving it a fair chance, so I got my hands on a free (that's important) Kindle version and gave it a shot. In the section I actually read properly, the obnoxiously drippy protagonist meets a gorgeous but arrogant businessman who - after spending maybe an hour with her - finds out where she works, and shows up supposedly by coincidence. Right, fair enough, we're all a bit guilty of Facebook stalking; some have branched into minor actual stalking, to only a little judgement. Shortly afterwards, she drunk dials him (who hasn't done that?) to tell him to leave her alone (perfectly sensible), at which point he tracks her mobile phone (...creepy), turns up at the bar she's at (crossing the line), takes her home, undresses her and replaces her pukey clothes with expensive alternatives (straight-up scary). The next day he shows her a room in his house full of torture equipment. Repeat: man you met three days ago tracks your location, takes your incapacitated self to his home and strips you, then shows you various and sundry methods of hurting people. The Appropriate Reaction involves running, screaming and a restraining order. But this particular protagonist instead decides to have sex with him. WELL THAT'S LOGICAL. At this point I was so full of rage my hands were shaking, so I kind of twitch-skimmed through the rest of the book - which was essentially increasingly weird (I'm not sure they'd actually qualify as kinky) sex scenes - with the occasional episode of stalking, quasi-abuse and whining. Basically, after about an hour of reading I felt like this:


I could go on about the plagiarism issues, the antifeminism/worryingly unhealthy representation of relationships or disturbing qualities of both protagonists, but those have all been discussed with more control and less blind anger than me at various other internet sources.

And it's not like I want the author to go die; I think it's good that she spent her free time writing and not, like, actually watching porn, and it's great for her that her project got published. What pisses me off is that The Writers Coffee House entirely abandoned their responsibility to literature (not to mention their dignity) by publishing it, it has dragged the reputation of e-books through the dirt, and People In General made it the fastest-selling paperback of all time. Read that again. This is THE FASTEST SELLING PAPERBACK OF ALL TIME. Aside from massacres and poverty, that is without question the most depressing statistic I have ever come across.

Reading the protagonist's train of thought is a bit like how I imagine having your brains fed through a meatgrinder would feel. For instance, did you keep a diary when you were about 13? Do you ever read it back and wonder how you ever reached maturity (or at least learned how to fake it)? Fifty Shades of Grey is like a porny version of that, except published. *mind boggles*

A particularly thorough goodreads reviewer compiled a list of actual quotes from the fastest selling paperback of all time. I swear to you, these are real:

"My mouth goes dry looking at him... he’s so freaking hot."

"He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle."

"My inner goddess has woken and is paying attention."

"Not taking his eyes off mine, he scrunches my panties in his hand, holds them up to his nose, and inhales deeply."

"He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string... what! And... gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet."

I mean...

When I was on holiday, everywhere I looked, I saw women by the poolside reading this book and it was really difficult to resist the urge to shout, "I KNOW YOU'RE READING PORN! You should at least have the decency to look ashamed for reading that in public! YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH READERS EVERYWHERE!"

Now that was an overreaction, but I abide by the sentiment.

So to summarise; porn Twilight becomes bestselling paperback ever, there's no justice in the world and if it wasn't for last night's Olympics opening ceremony I would have lost all faith in humanity.

Done.